Recently, everyone mourned the passing away of the telegram from our lives.
Why, letter-writing has gone out of vogue. Putting
pen to paper and writing even a page
seems to be history. Individual houses and bungalows , even cottages
have vanished. And along with these, beautiful mango, sapota, coconut, neem
trees , and other flowering plants like
jasmine, hibiscus tulsi, arali,
pavalamalli used for pooja , have all moved from residential areas. Live-in, dedicated servants are also a thing
of the past. Home made sweets are not to be found. What is also now disappearing is the large
family.
Uptil the first half of the 20th century,
families had ten or even sixteen children. During ashirvadam (blessings) at
weddings , elders used to say ‘’padinaarum petru peru vazhvu vazhanum’’ (have a
great life with 16 children ).’ Family matters and intrigues dominated the time
and energy of the family members.
It was the norm to also have joint
families. Land and food was aplenty in
the green, rich, villages. Agriculture was the main occupation. The family consisted of a set of parents and their say, one dozen children . If four
were girls, they got them married early and sent them away to their husbands’
homes. The other six boys stayed with
the parents and grandparents as well.
First cousins got married if
their fathers were of a different famil line.
One by one they would get married,
bring bahus home and at one stage there would be at least ten grandchildren or
more in the large household. As everyone married early, even the grandparents would be very young. If the mother
had her first child at age 13 or 14, her daughter would get a child at that age
and the woman would be a grandmother at age 28. Unbelievable but true.
In fact ,quaint situations would arise where both the mother and eldest daughter would be pregnant
at the same time- and would be exchanging tips and notes on childbearing.Women
relatives pitched in to look after the newborns with care and traditional
upbringing.
Family planning was unheard of. But
some women willfully abstained after having many children. At that juncture,
men would accept and set up secondary
families to satisfy their normal
urges. In those days many men had two
wives and a number of children from both sources. Wives accepted this placidly
as they were fed up of getting more and more progeny. All children were
delivered at home- in large comfortable houses by midwives and women relatives
adept in theses methods. A percentage of women died in childbirth too. Promptly
the patriarch would make his son remarry
– more often than not it would be the
wife’s own younger sister. Marrying inside the family fold ensured that
family wealth stayed within the family.
In this old family photo (circa1952)
there are a gentleman(age45, donning a
coat) ,
his wife,(age35) a lady in a
white and black - bordered silk saree (seated). Next to her (on her right) is seated their eldest daughter(sari-clad(age 21). On her lap
is the family’s last child- a baby girl
of 8 months. The two elder sons are
at two corners(ages 19 and 17). A cousin
(wearing specs) also stands with the
group. He, being an only child, grew up
with the rest of this brood.
Two charming young girls in pattu
pavadais(silk skirt,aged 8and7) and a fair, plump , well- dressed boy at
extreme right(age 4) complete this ensemble. There are the parents and 7
children and a cousin. A typical family. The
age gap between the parents is ten
years, common at that time. The mother’s age is just thirty five From age fifteen to thirty five she has produced
seven children . She, however looks very young, fresh and
energetic. She does not look as if the number of children affected her in the
least. In fact she is slim, and very
beautiful. The father, too, looks very
cheerful and not as if he is burdened by a large demanding family.
At present , people have one or two, or nil, children . Late marriages
are in vogue. Nuclear families are the
norm and careers are given preference
over early marriage. Children don’t have uncles and aunts , young energetic
grandparents , and numbers of cousins to play with . Nowadays children sit
alone with computers and laptops, i-phones or Tv sets – and feel the void in
their lonely lives.The old large family gave support to one and all. There were
never any dull moments. Adults and relatives met often and exchanged news and long conversations. Though privacy was
hard to find, the family was its own entertainment. Family fights and misunderstandings were
legion. Every family was its own soap opera. Getting involved and keeping in touch with
thirty or forty people of the family was itself a fulltime occupation. During festivals and weddings this was seen in all its grandeur .There was
an unspoken bond and loyalty within
every family.
One can see the changing world –
now still some remnant old families have
siblings who are in their 60’s to 80’s, reminiscing about old times, and
sticking to each other for comfort. ’Vasudhaiva kutumbakam ‘means the ‘ world is a
family’- but for one from a large family- the family itself is the world .
Charumathi ramachandran
(carnatic vocalist, musicologist and writer)
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